My name is Chelsea, and I’m on an ENVIRO-DRIVE. Yep, it’s Enviro-Drive month here in Melbourne, and I was totally sucked in by the Visage-Tome advertising campaign. It’s a super basic proposition as well; all you have to do is investigate how environmentally-friendly your local businesses are, and then call them out on it. I’ve been having a grand old time bursting into my local cafes, eateries and hairdressers and giving them a good talking to about the methods they’re using.
Case in point: Vera’s Hair Salon! Never visiting that place again. I said to her, I said “Vera, this isn’t good enough. Look at how many things you have plugged in that aren’t being used. Look at the TV, running when no one is looking at it. This isn’t good enough, Vera. All these years and here I am, taking my business to a better hair salon in Melbourne that isn’t throttling the environment with their lack of care. Shame, Vera. Shame upon you.”
And then of course, there were tears. Octogenarians can be so sensitive, but do you know what else is sensitive? The ozone layer. Uh-huh. All I had to do then was publicly shame her establishment online, and now I’m getting a free Enviro-Drive crusader badge! I’ve noticed that a lot of the hair salons in Melbourne’s centre are a lot better with their appliances. And they’re a bit busier, so I’m okay with the television being left on…so long as it’s at a low volume. Did you know that televisions being turned up too loud is not only damaging the hearing of the youth of today, but also draining an extra 2% of energy per year? Shameful!
Now that Vera’s isn’t an option, I guess I have to find a new and decent hairdresser near South Melbourne for my needs. And those needs might be a lot more exclusive now, but that’s the life of a Crusader. We’re not in it for the glory.
I have five days to become famous. Not that hard, right? People have done that in WAY less. Just do something stupid on camera, upload it to YouTube, millions of hits and cashola up my eyeballs by noon the next day. Right. Right…right??
I’ll have to look up how much money people actually make from fifteen minutes of fame. At the very least it’s got to be a windfall of some kind, though I have to get on this quick if I want merchandise to be in stores within five days. Oh gosh, I’ve really gone and stuck my foot in it next time.
Everyone lies in an online relationship, right?? Here I’ve snagged myself an awesome online boyfriend who’s coming to Australia to do a hairdressing course. He’ll be working in a hair salon on St James’ place, which wow, cool, just happens to be right near me! Awesome, we’ll see each other all the time! Except…I might have lied and said I was a local celebrity on Week of Our Lives. Episodes are hard to come by online because of draconian copyright hunters, and it’s definitely not broadcast in Canada so my internet BF doesn’t have any way of actually fact checking besides looking up the Snicker-Pedia page. That one I took care of; made a sneaky edit a while back and put myself as part of the main cast. No one has changed it back so far.
But then he spring it on me that he’s coming to Melbourne to do this hairdressing course in a week, and now I’m panicking. He even said that he came come to the shoot and do my hair, and I said “sure babe, I can get you some showbiz experience!” like an idiot. So now I have to radically alter my story to say that I got fired because one of my co-stars made up a rumour about me, and now I’m only famous because of a mad Me-Straw video that has be doing something wacky. I can’t meet my BF without being famous! He won’t love me! He’ll meet some nice girl in a Melbourne hair salon and run away, and then I’ll be both single AND not famous. Unacceptable.