Category: Kitchen

My poor grasp of mathematics is now known to the world, and I must flee to the Maldives. I’ve always known I must flee to the Maldives one day, so it might as well be now. This is my time. My time to make a new life…in the Maldives. I will live in a thatched hut, and that will be my Maldives life.

I just thought that a commercial wok burner could handle that many shrimp. 16,000 shrimp is a very large number, but still, it’s a piece of commercial equipment, very large and quite able to handle many, many ingredients, maybe even a few thousand shrimp at a time. I also didn’t really think about the menu we were preparing, but I did assume that it was something to do with seafood, hence why I ordered so very much. Maybe the restaurant was having a seafood night? I did not know; I just followed instructions…without my glasses. Couldn’t see the numbers, so I just looked at the wok burner, I factored in us getting a commercial oven installed last week (giving us a much greater capacity for cooking) and made the order. My glasses were still lost at this point, so even on the computer I couldn’t see what I was doing. 16,000 shrimp was just the tip of the iceberg, especially when I apparently added a few extra zeroes and ordered 400,000 calamari. Not calamari rings, mind you; actual calamari. We stepped out the back to find that all the parking spaces were taken up, some of them by shrimp, but mostly by hundreds of tanks of live calamari.

I’m on the plane now, so I’m hoping that they’ve found a home for all those calamari and are moving onto the 130,000 lobsters that arrived a few hours later. Honestly, I thought that the seafood company might have noticed. I wonder if I can find a nice restaurant in the Maldives, a professional place with a commercial stove where I can make soup, soup, and even more soup. Soup is hard to mess up, unlike complex online ordering.

-Jace

I’m fine at the moment, to be honest. I mean sure, the second sink has a serious dripping tap problem, and the stains are pretty much part of the architecture by now, and then there’s the truly stunning amount of mildew and mold in the walls. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t bother me that we still have electric cooking when everyone knows that gas is better. That is totally fine.

IT’S NOT FINE. We were supposed to have our dream kitchen by now! And every single night I have to settle down to an episode of Kyle’s Kitchen Crafts, where Kyle and the team show up at a random person’s kitchen right in the middle of dinner, and that lucky person has an entire kitchen renovation. And you get to design your own kitchen, by the way; Kyle works everything around your personal specifications. Sometimes there is drama, and sometimes Kyle has to get in the middle of it and stop the arguments, because he’s a wonderful fellow and has a way with words.

Nothing that good is ever going to happen to me, though. I’m trapped in this space that looks like it’s been in constant use since the 1970s, with the brown tiles and yellow diamond-print linoleum floor. You’d think an old lady lived here, which is exactly what I heard from several family members during our last get-together, thank you so much for that honesty. I think at this point the custom design kitchen idea is truly dead. No use crying over spilt milk, and all that…just have to accept that this is it. Unless, of course, Kyle shows up here. At, say…7:30? That’s when we usually have dinner. Would be really nice, is what I’m saying.

-Sandra