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Business Law, For Fun and Failure

business lawyers Melbourne What IS it about reality TV that just hooks you in? I had no intention of watching the latest season of ‘The Fermentist’, but I watched episode three with Maggie while she was around and suddenly I’m stuck watching the whole, silly series, about silly people doing the silliest of things. I was *invested* as well. What was I even thinking?

Probably the same thing as I’m thinking now, because I’m properly into ‘Jack of All Trades’. To be fair, a few of my friend are business lawyers in Melbourne and they said that they MIGHT be appearing in the episode, so it wasn’t like I was watching the latest episode for no reason. They weren’t in it, by the way, and yet I did indeed sit through 53 minutes of complete amateurs trying to be lawyers and failing utterly.

The one saving grace was that they couldn’t actually have them involved in a legal case…for legal reasons. So actually, it was all a lot of mock-ups. No one was short-changed in the lawyer department. Still, the challenges were set up to be as real as possible. Leroy apparently took on the role of resident antagonist in this episode, since he went on the attack during that property law case and got kicked out of the courtroom. I knew there was a bit of that in him from the start; you can just tell from the look of a person sometimes. Probably why he was on the show in the first place. And then you’ve got Angelina trying to swallow an entire legal textbook overnight and just regurgitating what she thought she knew, but garbling the lot of it when it came to defending her ‘client’ in court. Thank heavens there was actual Melbourne based property lawyers there to look after them, otherwise it would’ve been a total word soup. Lady Salt really gave them a chewing out after the challenge was complete, which was SO gratifying because of…

Oh, I’m an addict, I really am.

-Veronica

Spooky Lighting for the Spook-tacular Event

residential LED lighting This year’s Spooktacular Spook-fest was a spooktacular success! Halloween in Australia is still gaining some traction, sure, but events like this really help. It took two days, but we managed to completely convert the secondary wing of the school into a haunted house, and people really went for it! Probably helped that we based the whole thing around that show everyone likes, Stranger Danger. That one from the 80s. Don’t actually like it myself…but everyone else is properly into it, so it worked out just fine.

I think the lighting was our strongest aspect. I had James researching residential LED lighting all around Melbourne for weeks beforehand, both where to get the quality stuff and how to use it effectively, though you’d hope he already knew. He’s the one who wants to do special effects on film. And on-film is just real life, but in front of a camera. I mean that the lighting came off really well. So, the people started off in the entrance hall, all very brightly lit and not at all indicative of what they were in for. Then they went on a magical mystery tour of the world of Stranger Danger, where they were being hunted by a mysterious monster all through the process. This all ended in a claustrophobic segment, wherein they were hunted by multiple creatures- played by our very talented actors and dressed up in some great outfits from the costume department- and the lights went all blinky-blinky. I never actually went through the maze myself, but I did experience a sort of dry run. The blinking lights were very disorienting.

It’s true what James said: lighting truly is key to everything. We’re lucky Melbourne’s residential LED lighting is so prevalent, because we honestly didn’t leave enough time to actually gather enough of it. Lessons for next time. Which we need to start thinking about now, if we want to top this year’s show…

The Cut-Throat World of Cafe Ownership

Lorne beaches You don’t get into the cafe game for the fame and the glory.

It’s not about the adoring regulars, or even the satisfaction of crafting the perfect brew.

No…the cafe game is all about power, manipulation and clawing your way to the top of the food chain. You need to be cut-throat, ruthless, and sometimes even barbaric. It’s not for the faint-hearted.

That’s why i set up shop by the beach, famously the toughest cafe market out there. I relish the challenge. I don’t mind getting my hands dirty.

Obviously, a working knowledge of the best accommodation in Lorne works wonders. You can’t be in such an intense business without knowing about the ebb and flow of potential customers in your town, and hotels come with a few other perks. You can sometimes get a bit of sneaky advertising in if you get talking with the guests. Give them some directions, tell them about the local attractions and then slip in that you run a cafe, with a few discounts for some very special guests. They’re like putty in your hands. Also, it pays to see if you can get a taste of what the hotel is serving in the dining room. The food is often great- no point in competing with that- but if the hotel serves better coffee than you, then you’d better step up your game.

After that, it’s a simple matter of making your place look so chic it’s like you transplanted a photograph right off Instant-Gram. Chic coming out of your EARS. Much more chic than your average Lorne hotel with a great view.

After that, you just have to come out on top of the weekly Lorne cafe owner backstreet brawls, and you’re on your way to greatness.

-Nell

The Energy of the Future

commercial solar What keeps me awake at night? Coal, probably. We just keep digging it up and burning it, and it’s doing all kinds of terrible nonsense.

The project that our science teacher gave us was something we’re worried about regarding the future…and something that gives us hope. So mine is pretty easy: coal, and solar energy. Not a fan of the first one, but I’m ALL about the second. Commercial solar in Melbourne has been gaining ground for years now, but only recently have people really turned it into an industry. Maybe they have the same feelings as me when it comes to burning all that coal? Doesn’t matter. When I see how many people are starting to rely on solar and wind power, it makes me feel a bit better about growing up here. Like, in this time period.

Man, it sucks being a teenager in 2017. The older people have basically destroyed the ozone layer, carbon levels are at an all-time high, sea levels are rising and then the polar ice caps might be melting. Jury’s out on this one.

Feels like I’ve taken over a shift at a hospital where in the last five minutes ten people have been sick, some guy is running around with a scalpel and the power has gone out. It’s like…thanks, older generation! I’ll just clean all this mess up, no need to thank me! It’s not like it’s all your fault we’re all in the mess in the first place because of your mistakes.

We’ve got the tools to do it, though. My research has shown me that much, and it looks like solar power is going to be the next big thing. And then you’ve got stuff like the Tesla powerwall, which might just be the thing that solves the whole coal problem. Maybe. Research pending, but at least there’s actually something to research. Other than ‘we’ve wrecked the planet, whoops’.

-Terry

The Great Family Boating Experiment

outboard motor servicing I would’ve thought that a psychologist would know his stuff. Two weeks later, we’re still essentially adrift at sea and no one is getting on any better.

‘The 40 Day Ocean Challenge’, they called it. Take your family out to sea in a boat! The proximity will cause all the tension to vanish as you forget your petty squabbles and unite to keep everything ship-shape. Day 24, and Maria still isn’t talking to me. Codey is being a typical teenager and shirking on ALL of his jobs, while Chiara has spent most of the voyage hanging off the edge of the boat, trying to get reception for her phone so she can talk to her boyfriend.

I’ve TRIED to create some sort of teamwork. Last night I hosted an interactive seminar on how Melbourne’s anchor winch industry functions, and the lessons we can learn about our own sailing from our city’s attitude towards marine trailer repairs. I…didn’t really know what I was doing. The seminar was sort of well-attended, but that’s mostly because there are only two places on this boat to go: on deck and inside. It’s too cold to spend much time on deck in the evenings, so…everyone was there. But not there. I had a whole presentation planned on anchor winches and such, but everyone chose to ignore me.

This experiment isn’t doing what it was supposed to. I don’t know…maybe once we hit day 32 we’ll suddenly come to understand each other as a family, we’ll slot into our roles and my nightly sessions where we list the things we were thankful for during the day will not be utterly scorned. At the very least, we should learn the basics of outboard motor servicing. Melbourne has a proud history of such things…but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We’re coming back from this just as dysfunctional as ever.

Oh well! Just got to hang out for day 32, I guess!

-Max

My Amazing Fishing Rod Idea

fishing rod holders Some folks deserve a statue of themselves in the town square, but end up forgotten. Just like that Nikola Tesla fellow, who did a lot more than the other fellow but had all his glory stolen. Even here, hundreds of years later, that still makes my blood boil just a little bit.

I like to think I’ll go down in the history books for my inventions, but I’m thinking someone with money and power will just swoop in and steal it, and I’ll just spend the rest of my days working at a fishing rod shop, underappreciated. Still, I have a big meeting coming up with the innovations department of Lawrence Corp, so surely a company that large will have to have some kind of integrity. Right?

Don’t know, I’ve never done anything like this before; never even had an IDEA like this before. I was just thinking about fishing rod holders, and how it’d be great if we could move them around the boat a bit more easily. Right now we have to unscrew them and put them somewhere else, and sometimes it’s not screwed in properly and the rod holder AND rod can just fall right in and it’s terrible. Not that I mind a dip while I’m fishing, but it’s embarrassing when I’m out with the guys and my I haven’t fixed the rod holder properly.

My problem, I get it. But then I thought…why can’t we just have a rail that goes all around the boat? Like a snapper rack, but custom made and running the entire length of the perimeter. You can fix a rod holder in at one point, but it’s on a rail and can just slide anywhere you want without having to take it out. I think it could really take off as an idea! I just have to pitch it to the people properly. Like a snapper rack, but…not. No, I can’t say that. Argh, so nervous!

-Clive

I Need Fame, Stat

hair salon Melbourne I have five days to become famous. Not that hard, right? People have done that in WAY less. Just do something stupid on camera, upload it to YouTube, millions of hits and cashola up my eyeballs by noon the next day. Right. Right…right??

I’ll have to look up how much money people actually make from fifteen minutes of fame. At the very least it’s got to be a windfall of some kind, though I have to get on this quick if I want merchandise to be in stores within five days. Oh gosh, I’ve really gone and stuck my foot in it next time.

Everyone lies in an online relationship, right?? Here I’ve snagged myself an awesome online boyfriend who’s coming to Australia to do a hairdressing course. He’ll be working in a hair salon on St James’ place, which wow, cool, just happens to be right near me! Awesome, we’ll see each other all the time! Except…I might have lied and said I was a local celebrity on Week of Our Lives. Episodes are hard to come by online because of draconian copyright hunters, and it’s definitely not broadcast in Canada so my internet BF doesn’t have any way of actually fact checking besides looking up the Snicker-Pedia page. That one I took care of; made a sneaky edit a while back and put myself as part of the main cast. No one has changed it back so far.

But then he spring it on me that he’s coming to Melbourne to do this hairdressing course in a week, and now I’m panicking. He even said that he came come to the shoot and do my hair, and I said “sure babe, I can get you some showbiz experience!” like an idiot. So now I have to radically alter my story to say that I got fired because one of my co-stars made up a rumour about me, and now I’m only famous because of a mad Me-Straw video that has be doing something wacky. I can’t meet my BF without being famous! He won’t love me! He’ll meet some nice girl in a Melbourne hair salon and run away, and then I’ll be both single AND not famous. Unacceptable.

-Kayla

Children Just Love Magic

kids play centre indoors I may have the body of a weak and feeble man…but I have the heart of a Las Vegas stage magician! And the beard of a 17th century nobleman!

Seriously, it’s a very nice beard. I don’t often compliment myself, but one thing I DO have going for me is my ability to grow facial hair in a shockingly short amount of time. Five o’clock shadow? More like twelve o’clock shadow. Actually, that’s only one of my many useless talents, though I managed to use them altogether to create my traveling kids’ show, Marvellous Eustace. I can’t, like, grow a beard before your very eyes or anything, but I do find it helps my stage persona. I found when I was younger that I mastered dad jokes in short order, after which I moved onto the physical basics (removing your thumb, etc.). Pretty soon I discovered that I could perform all the basic showbiz moves, and I thought…kids are easily entertained.

Now I do the Canberra kids birthday party venue circuit with my traveling show, and everyone just loves it. I usually start off with the basics, move onto walking on my hands, balloon animals and then work my way through until the grand finale: pulling a ferret out of my hat. Exhibition regulations mean we’re not allowed to use rabbits any more, though ferrets are much easier to train and Juniper is perfectly happy in there if I leave him some snacks. Cute animal + magic trick usually brings down the house, after which the kids all go off to play in the ball pit, or whatever they have at that particular party venue.

I think I’ve found a niche, really. Kids never remember the show as well, so I just have to do the same set every time and I’m golden. I like seeing them happy, I get to perform all the tricks that get no reaction at adult parties and the traveling part is really nice. Haven’t been able to snag a wife yet with my amazing tricks, but when I do, I know every indoor play centre in Adelaide. Our kids will never be without entertainment!

-Eustace

Church in desperate need of a pest control

termite treatment Two weeks ago my grandfather got home from church in a fluster and told me that he needed to call someone about pest inspections. Dandenong united church has been my grandfather’s second home for over thirty years, he loved that place like no other.

When he mentioned the termites I was a little shocked. I asked him what he needed a pest controller for and he told me that the church was falling to bits. Everyone in the church was starting to notice how bad the place was beginning to look. Admittedly they had been putting off a pest inspection for the past year because all the donation money was going to feed the homeless..

My grandfather noticed the floorboards in the Sunday School room were so bad that it was a hazard for the children to go in there. He asked me if I knew of any good termite treatment companies in Dandenong the area. I told him about a good termite company that my wife had contracted when they found white ants in her art studio. The company was quick, affordable and professional. I still had their business card at home so that night I sent my grandfather the details.

Later that week my grandfather called the place and arranged for a quote to get the church inspected for termites. Because my grandfather wasn’t a great driver he asked me to drive him to meet the pest controller. When we arrived at the church the pest control van was waiting in the car park. We walked the men through the church and my grandfather pointed out where most of the visible damage was. The guys were surprised that the church hadn’t done something about the problem sooner. A termite removal really needed to be done before anyone entered the church again. Especially if people would be singing and dancing with children running around.

My grandfather booked in the termite treatment for the next available time and with that we went home. I could tell my grandfather was relieved, but concerned at the same time about the cost of everything. I told him not to worry as the people at church would be more than happy to help out, and if they still didn’t have enough I would be able to cover the remainder of the cost. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my grandfather more proud of me.

Following My Dreams, Unfortunately

Lorne beach apartments Stupid seminar, with its stupid life-changing advice. Who needs seminars, anyway? I can run my life! I mean, like, I can’t, which is why I went to the seminar. But even after its over and I’ve done something with the advice I was given, I still don’t know if it was the right thing. Is there a seminar I can go to on the topic of how to respond to a seminar?

Okay, real talk. I’m having a good time, actually. I finally followed my dreams and started a pet minding business to cater to people in the Lorne area. Genius idea, right? People can bring their pets on holiday, so while they’re staying in some Lorne hotel somewhere, they can leave their pets with me overnight! I can look after them as long as they like, though most owners tend to swing by mid-morning and bring them back in the evening. I pride myself on being flexible. And it works no matter what; even if they want to leave Fluffles here for the entire day, at least it’s better than being stuck at home, or in kennels. I basically run a pet hotel, in Lorne. That’s some lifetime movie material right there.

But I just didn’t expect I’d be so…successful. I know, I know, sounds SO ungrateful. Poor me, going to a seminar, following my dreams, being good at it and having holidaymakers throw me both money and pets to look after all day long. Maybe I’m just complaining because it all seems like so much work. That’s the thing about dreams: they’re marvellous, until they’re all fulfilled at once and you realise that some things need building up. I’m having to make business decisions on the fly, look for new accommodation because what I have right now isn’t big enough, trying to work out business taxes…and I might even have to hire help, if things keep going this way.

The Lorne beach apartments around here have been helpful, as well as my main source of business. But I’m heading up a new industry here. There’s just SO much to think about.

-Adelaide